I need Jokes

[Nuketheplace]

For some reason there are some girls in my class who always want me to tell them jokes.  I know plenty of jokes, the problem is they are all geeky.  These girls don't know a lot about science or computers.  You can see my problem.  I can't every well go and tell then a joke like "there are 10 types of people that know binary those who do and those who don't".  I think they would just respond with blank looks.  So I'm wondering if anyone has good, nongeeky, clean jokes that I can tell to them.

[That Annoying Kid]

I was about to throw a grip of jokes down, then I notice the "clean" part  :mellow:

why does six hate seven? cause seven eight nine  :huh:

[Manta]

Take the one that the guy tells in 28 Days Later!

"A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, "Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there!" And the man says, "No, that's not a lion. That's a giraffe."

Corny, but it should get you some laughs.

[Mac]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "is that a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts." Quite an oldie that one. lol, i don't know much else off the top of my head.. don't feel like thinking right now.

[Dirty Harry Potter]

well.....this got very good rating in a mass statistic test:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?

This one came second - i personally like this one better, though it's much harder to remember:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[TychoCelchuuu]

This is my favorite joke on earth but lots of people don't get it. It's hit and miss I guess. The foum censors the last word, but it rhymes with "hit."

So this guy is walking along the beach and he hears a voice: DIG.
And he looks around and doesnt see anyone so he keeps walking. Then he hears it again: I SAID DIG.
So he gets to his knees and digs in the sand and pretty soon he finds a chest. He opens up the chest and inside is $1 million and a set of car keys. The voice says CAR.
So he looks up and sees a car. He gets in and starts the car and the voice says CASINO.
He drives to a casino and gets inside and the voice says ROULETTE.
He looks around and nobody else noticed the voice so he goes to the roulette table and the voice says 18 RED or some roulette thing.
So he puts all the money on 18 red and the dealer spins the wheel and says "19 black!"
And the voice goes ****.

[LowCrawler]

knock knock : whos there

Michael Jackson


Machael Jackson who?


Congratulations, you're on the Michael Jacskon jury!

[DruBo]

Did you hear about the pirate who's trying to quit smoking?

He's on the patch.

[Mac]

Why couldn't two kids get into a pirate movie?

it was rated ARRR!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.   ...........

[BlaqWolf]

you: pete and repete were on a bridge. pete jumps off. who's left?

hot chicks: repete

you: pete and repete were on a bridge. pete jumps off. who's left?

hot chicks: *make out with you cuz you're so funny*

...k... maybe i'm a little rusty on my chick magnet skillz...

*edit: i can spall*

[Mac]

you are the master of comedy.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?  A BOY FELL IN A PUDDLE!

Wanna hear a clean joke? THE BOY TOOK A SHOWER!  XD

someone kill me.

[Diablus]

Just say how amazing you are at NS. You'll definetly get some good laughs there! XD  



BA-ZINGGGG!

 <3

[That Annoying Kid]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "is that a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts." Quite an oldie that one. lol, i don't know much else off the top of my head.. don't feel like thinking right now.

[snapback]44103[/snapback]

^^

thats a winner, I can't believe I didn't recall that one

[SwiftSpear]

Why do girls in your class want you to tell them jokes if you have a reputation for not being funny?

Sounds like they are just being mean.

[Nuketheplace]

I don't really have a reputation for not being funny.  Thats just what I think.  Its that I  have trouble telling one liners.  I'm fairly good at telling dead pan jokes or making ironic comments, but I can't tell one liners for the life of me.  It might be that they are being mean.  In my perfect world I chose not to believe that.  I think the reason they are doing it is because the class is fairly boring.  We do something for about 30 minutes, but then we have about 20 minutes of down time.  I'm fairly sure they are just bored.

[That Annoying Kid]

if they are hot and single here's a novel thought: Instead of telling jokes, just spit mad game instead  :blink:

[Nuketheplace]

Yes they are hot and single, but wtf is a spit mad game?

[Cold-NiTe]

This is my favorite joke on earth but lots of people don't get it. It's hit and miss I guess. The foum censors the last word, but it rhymes with "hit."

So this guy is walking along the beach and he hears a voice: DIG.
And he looks around and doesnt see anyone so he keeps walking. Then he hears it again: I SAID DIG.
So he gets to his knees and digs in the sand and pretty soon he finds a chest. He opens up the chest and inside is $1 million and a set of car keys. The voice says CAR.
So he looks up and sees a car. He gets in and starts the car and the voice says CASINO.
He drives to a casino and gets inside and the voice says ROULETTE.
He looks around and nobody else noticed the voice so he goes to the roulette table and the voice says 18 RED or some roulette thing.
So he puts all the money on 18 red and the dealer spins the wheel and says "19 black!"
And the voice goes ****.

[snapback]44115[/snapback]

Total win.

[SwiftSpear]

Yes they are hot and single, but wtf is a spit mad game?

[snapback]44159[/snapback]

Hit on them and be really cool and playa playa.  In otherwords, in stead of entertaining them, be patronizing!

[Black Mage]

got geek?