Nice story but I noticed the "omg hax" out of the corner of my eye when I was about 2 lines in so that part of the ending was spoilt for me. I don't think you need to explain the explosion or the Hive/upgrade-status of the Onos because it's a fan fiction, a story influenced by but not neccessarily possible in the NS Universe.
Otherwise I'd be the first to start talking about the explosion with the fallen pipes (oma gees @ trigger_hurts!) 2 hours previous (what version was it? oma gees @ 2 hour NS rounds!) and the way his legs felt like paper and his breath was faltering (oma gees, NS has no stamina bar!) and so on...
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Weeeeelllll... when I write fan-fiction, I tend to not stick to the game itself. I mean, I'm not writing accounts of actual games, I write
fiction. It doesn't bother me that NS doesn't have a stamina bar, in real life you'd run of breath nevertheless, even a tough-as-nails frontiersman.
In games, we sometimes have to decide between gameplay and realism, which is why realism sometimes has to take a backseat. In fiction, we can usually add greater realism without spoiling the fun, mostly because fiction, taking place largely in your mind, has far less restrictions than a game that has to be able to boil down to a long line of binary characters on a gameserver.
And that would be lame. BTW I liked the structure of the story, nice long paragraph for the relentless chase really adding to the tension and mimicking the perceived length of the pursuit. Also the commas spaced out evenly in each line could be said to paralell the thundering hooves of the Onos' continuous charge or possibly his unregulated and desperate breathing.
Next time make it longer 
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Buh... even I didn't notice all that about perceived length and evenly spaced commas. :blink:
Topic: The Onos (Read 8786 times)
