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« on: January 03, 2005, 02:11:25 PM »
Confused Guides™: The Basics: Commanding a Team
So you are looking at the chair and thinking “Man, I Could be as awesome as Confused! as a comm.” Let this author be the first to tell you that no one can in fact be as awesome as Confused!. However, this should not discourage you greatly.
To achieve greatness as a commander one must simply follow the guide laid forth here and suddenly the command chair will not only seem a good place to hang out but also nearly as appealing as O’Neil’s Irish pub on mug night. Oh, sweet mug night. Which leads us to the first problem of becoming commander. That is getting into the chair.
First it is very important to be alive when attempting to comm. For some reason, one has little authority over the team when dead. This is equally true after the first 30 seconds of the game have elapsed. However back to the problem of getting into the chair. It is key to be alive and not afk at the beginning of the game or else ns player will get in the chair and pull some insane strategy. To facilitate this “liveness” one should consistently join the marine team before the beginning of the game countdown. I know it is tempting to hangout in the ready room with the guys and hit on chicks, much like one would, say, at mug night. However, this doesn’t get you into the chair or the game in the live state.
Once you have joined the game one should inform the other marines that you intend to command. Generally this is accomplished via rapidly changing ones weapons during the ping. In some cases however players have been known to use voice and even text chat, however this is generally considered poor form and can lead to the Race of Destiny to be canceled.
Which brings us to the Race of Destiny. Should your rapid weapon switching fail to intimidate potential rivals. You have no choice but to out run them. Racing to the chair is a time honored tradition. However one should aware of the various distractions along the way to success.
First one should look out of the guys rushing randomly out of base. They are easy to avoid but also implacable in their attempts to escape the base. They are not truly competition merely obstacles. They are usually easy to escape.
The next Problem is the guys who rush to the cc and stand around threatening to jump in (NSplayer: can I comm.? How do I build? Can I comm?). The confined spaces around them are the keys to success in the Race of Destiny. Maneuvering over, under, and around these players is a mark of true skill.
Sometimes one of these players will take the chair before you can evade him and thus end the Race of Destiny prematurely. In some cases tehse players can be in the pockets of the competition and “just build an IP” this leads to the final skill required to take the CC. that of frantically humping it while Mr. McNewbish tries to figure out how to drop an IP. Some consider not voice and text spamming here to be a mark of a lack of professionalism and an attempt to make the team play like it is from the bush leagues.
The final key is still the frantic last ditch attempt to pry the Comm out by force of will alone. Practice pressing E 5000 times a minute in order to over come the last obstacle to your reign of terror.
Now that you have won the Race of Destiny you are now able to perform your sacred duty of force feeding the aliens human flesh.
To begin with one should always have plan. Generally for the new commander you should use one of the three following stratagems: Plan A, Strat 1, or “Oh God what am I doing”™. Of the preceding three the last is most common in new commanders. The plan has significant flexibility as well as the significant advantage of not being threatening to the aliens. If this were a made for TV romantic comedy it would be grade A awesome. However, this is the cold hard dangerous environment of online gaming where the stakes are high. The alien team should tremble in fear as you command not think “Oh that CC looks so cute.” Regardless the first few times you take the chair you will likely follow this strat. One must practice this strat until it is perfect. Without understanding such commanding basics as the relationship between Cat packs and Testicular cancer one cannot truly begin to execute either of the other basic strategies. It is recommended that when performing the “Oh God what am I doing”™ Plan. One should rely heavily on the member of your team with the loudest microphone transmit volume. His loudness is an indicator of character. Further any complaints from your team should be dealt with by ignoring them. Further the following technologies and upgrades are notable absent in this strategy: Armor1, Weapons1, Motion Tracking, and, in some cases, Resource Towers. The upgrades are entirely too expensive and while following this build order should be only purchased after turrets, electrification, and Heavy Machine Guns with out which the team will be guaranteed failure. As further cost cutting measure med packs and ammo should under no circumstances be dropped. Nor should multiple copies of any building with the slight exception of turrets. Turrets are amazing base defenders and must be deployed in as many areas as possible. Their use is vital to marine success in this stratagem.
Common features of this Plan include:
• Writing the commander’s name in turrets on the floor of the Marine Start
• Writing the commander’s favorite swear word in turrets on the floor of the Marine Start
• Watching the marine team get eaten.
• Mistakenly recycling the Observitory.
• Asking why the marines don’t have HMGs yet.
• Jumping out of the chair to run to one’s mommy only to be eaten by Mr. Onos
After following the above a few times one will likely have learned a few things. First among them, that the marine team sucks and that the aliens will always win. This is a very important lesson in becoming a good comm. The Marines do, in fact, suck. In fact the aliens see them the same way you see a side of beef with a bit too much hot sauce on it. It might hurt a bit but you are going to get it down even if it makes you cry. It is with this in mind that the next strategy comes about. This is the world famous Plan A. this should not be confused with Kid A, who is sitting over there.
----- To read more buy the Confused Guide To Commanding for just 57.99-------
Exerpts form teh follwing sections:
"Give out shot guns. This will make the marines behave like kids on Christmas. Any marine who complains should be ignored as a party pooper. Seriously, who doesn’t like having a nice shot gun? Many comms have been known to send this heavily armed group of 12 gauge enthusiasts to a single point. However, this is a significant problem because the number of marines available to patrol the map is lowered. Thus, the number of bullets available for immediate use in any square meter area declines. And as we all know amp control is calculated in the amount of bullets with in 3 seconds of an alien’s stomach."
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