Overly Chatty Penguins

The Ready Room => Off Topic => Topic started by: SheenaYanai on April 05, 2005, 05:16:49 AM

Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: SheenaYanai on April 05, 2005, 05:16:49 AM: Friday, April 1 2005

An update is available for Counter-Strike: Source. The update will be applied automatically when your Steam client is restarted. This update addresses requests for more realism in Counter-Strike: Source. The changes are as follows:

Features/Additions
Doubled player speed when jumping. The effect to cumulative, so the more you jump, the faster you go.
Cut price of AWP by 50%.
Added akimbo Riot Shield to buy menu.
Removed de_dust from mapcycle.
Realism Enhancements:

Knives:
Between rounds, it is suggested that you unsheath the weapon and repeatedly press the attack key to air it out as the leather now collects moisture and creates pits on the blade, making it less effective in the next round.

Shotguns:
1. Firing the shotgun without ammo loaded will now cause it to jam.
2. When the shotgun jams, press F2 to fill out form DA-1823-00/A12-H8.
3. You should then hear a scribbling sound. When it stops, press F3 to send the request to LIDM.
4. Failure to do paperwork before pressing F3 will result in the immediate return of the unrepaired shotgun.
5. The repairs can take 1-2 rounds for completion. During that time, you cannot purchase a replacement firearm and may only use your sidearm or knife.

Player Models:
Several models now feature eyewear. This is a completely cosmetic enhancement with the following exceptions:

Part EP-7829-292-2 must be purchased and worn correctly at all times in order to see during the round.

In between rounds, you may purchase and use part EC-2231-833-H34 to clean your EP-7829-292-2. Note: that this does not clean the eyewear itself!

To clean the eyewear, you need to purchase and use the designated cleaner, EC-2231-233-H34, EC-2231-523-H34, or EC-2231-239-H34a respectively depending on your model's eyewear. You can determine the part # of the correct cleaner by asking someone.

Machine and submachine guns:

At least once every five rounds, press F1 to inspect the weapon:
A musical cue indicates that the inspection has started. Now press F1 again repeatedly to clean and lubricate the weapon.

Your Preventative Maintenance Status (either "cleaning" or "lubricating") is determined by the speed with which you press the F1 key and will be displayed above your head.

To accurately simulate real life maintenance mistakes, pressing F1 too quickly will lubricate either the bolt face or the trunnion block. Pressing F1 too slowly sprays lubricant directly into the buffer tube. All mistakes render the gun inoperable, though this may not become immediately apparent.

Experiment with keypress timing to avoid (and discover!) other common maintenance errors.

In order to balance the improved stopping power of a well-maintained weapon, the reloading process has been made much less reliable.

When reloading, you should listen for two or three distinct clicks over a period of several seconds.

If you hear one click or no clicks or more than two clicks, you've bent the link ejector chute and the gun will most likely explode on the next attempt to fire it, though it may not.

© Valve Corporation. All rights reserved. Valve, Half-Life, and Counter-Strike are trademarks
and/or registered trademarks of Valve Corporation.
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: SwiftSpear on April 05, 2005, 05:30:58 AM: Man, think of all the innuendo jokes involving the work "F1" we missed :(
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: Dead_Meat on April 05, 2005, 08:51:11 AM: you mean that was a joke
bah i was about to start playing cs again
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: X-S-Z on April 05, 2005, 11:03:17 AM: It had me until I started reading about the shotgun. I can't believe I actually tried to rationalize bunnyhopping, cheap awps, holding two shields, and having de_dust removed in CS:S. :(
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: duherman on April 05, 2005, 06:28:13 PM: Too long, I didn't bother reading it.
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: Necrosis on April 05, 2005, 07:26:41 PM: Akimbo shields would be as awesome as focus xeno. Imagine the teamplay possibilities!
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: Diablus on April 05, 2005, 08:43:25 PM: It would have went over well if they didnt post that total bs with the shotgun, if anyone believed that they technically should be banished from Earth and sent in a rocket straight for the sun.
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: Malevolent on April 05, 2005, 08:44:59 PM: Pretty funny, although it would seem pretty obvious that it was a joke.
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: 2_of_8 on April 05, 2005, 10:32:24 PM: Quote
Pretty funny, although it would seem pretty obvious that it was a joke.
[snapback]45602[/snapback]

Well, I'm guessing they didn't want loads of emails saying "zomg, noob game"... it happens so much. People seem to forget the date.
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: SlickWill on April 06, 2005, 06:14:49 AM: I didn't believe it for a sec. Akimbo shields would require teamwork. CS and teamwork, rofls. I think I just hurt myself laughing.
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: Black Mage on April 06, 2005, 08:17:35 AM: awww ... i was about to start playing again :(
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: bacon_flaps on April 06, 2005, 05:29:20 PM: No none of us saw it 5 days ago when it popped up on our screens.
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: 2_of_8 on April 06, 2005, 05:53:52 PM: Quote
No none of us saw it 5 days ago when it popped up on our screens.
[snapback]45683[/snapback]

Yep, that news feature is quite usefulm, people. Use it :D
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: SheenaYanai on April 07, 2005, 02:24:33 AM: Quote
No none of us saw it 5 days ago when it popped up on our screens.
[snapback]45683[/snapback]

no..seriously...you tell me you really read that cs crap that pops up every time you start steam?
i always click it away like spam emails... and it didnt pop up on 1st on my machine...
this is why i have asked if you have seen it already... not everyone reads phonebooks, or spam in the mailbox
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: SwiftSpear on April 07, 2005, 03:56:30 AM: Quote
Quote
No none of us saw it 5 days ago when it popped up on our screens.
[snapback]45683[/snapback]

no..seriously...you tell me you really read that cs crap that pops up every time you start steam?
i always click it away like spam emails... and it didnt pop up on 1st on my machine...
this is why i have asked if you have seen it already... not everyone reads phonebooks, or spam in the mailbox
[snapback]45731[/snapback]
You need to get a new email provider if your current one pops up spam emails.
Title: steam april fools joke
Post by: SheenaYanai on April 07, 2005, 09:19:42 AM: i dont get spam... this was ment as example