Overly Chatty Penguins

The Ready Room => Off Topic => Topic started by: Nuketheplace on March 21, 2005, 02:42:17 PM

Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Nuketheplace on March 21, 2005, 02:42:17 PM: For some reason there are some girls in my class who always want me to tell them jokes. I know plenty of jokes, the problem is they are all geeky. These girls don't know a lot about science or computers. You can see my problem. I can't every well go and tell then a joke like "there are 10 types of people that know binary those who do and those who don't". I think they would just respond with blank looks. So I'm wondering if anyone has good, nongeeky, clean jokes that I can tell to them.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: That Annoying Kid on March 21, 2005, 02:56:51 PM: I was about to throw a grip of jokes down, then I notice the "clean" part :mellow:

why does six hate seven? cause seven eight nine :huh:
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Manta on March 21, 2005, 03:06:56 PM: Take the one that the guy tells in 28 Days Later!

"A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, "Oi, you can't leave that lyin' there!" And the man says, "No, that's not a lion. That's a giraffe."

Corny, but it should get you some laughs.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Mac on March 21, 2005, 03:24:16 PM: A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "is that a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts." Quite an oldie that one. lol, i don't know much else off the top of my head.. don't feel like thinking right now.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Dirty Harry Potter on March 21, 2005, 03:51:25 PM: well.....this got very good rating in a mass statistic test:
Quote
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?

This one came second - i personally like this one better, though it's much harder to remember:
Quote
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: TychoCelchuuu on March 21, 2005, 06:02:12 PM: This is my favorite joke on earth but lots of people don't get it. It's hit and miss I guess. The foum censors the last word, but it rhymes with "hit."

Quote
So this guy is walking along the beach and he hears a voice: DIG.
And he looks around and doesnt see anyone so he keeps walking. Then he hears it again: I SAID DIG.
So he gets to his knees and digs in the sand and pretty soon he finds a chest. He opens up the chest and inside is $1 million and a set of car keys. The voice says CAR.
So he looks up and sees a car. He gets in and starts the car and the voice says CASINO.
He drives to a casino and gets inside and the voice says ROULETTE.
He looks around and nobody else noticed the voice so he goes to the roulette table and the voice says 18 RED or some roulette thing.
So he puts all the money on 18 red and the dealer spins the wheel and says "19 black!"
And the voice goes ****.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: LowCrawler on March 21, 2005, 07:16:14 PM: knock knock : whos there

Michael Jackson

Machael Jackson who?

Congratulations, you're on the Michael Jacskon jury!
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: DruBo on March 21, 2005, 07:20:23 PM: Did you hear about the pirate who's trying to quit smoking?

He's on the patch.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Mac on March 21, 2005, 07:49:29 PM: Why couldn't two kids get into a pirate movie?

it was rated ARRR!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ...........
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: BlaqWolf on March 21, 2005, 08:55:18 PM: you: pete and repete were on a bridge. pete jumps off. who's left?

hot chicks: repete

you: pete and repete were on a bridge. pete jumps off. who's left?

hot chicks: *make out with you cuz you're so funny*

...k... maybe i'm a little rusty on my chick magnet skillz...

*edit: i can spall*
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Mac on March 21, 2005, 09:01:36 PM: you are the master of comedy.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A BOY FELL IN A PUDDLE!

Wanna hear a clean joke? THE BOY TOOK A SHOWER! XD

someone kill me.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Diablus on March 21, 2005, 09:41:45 PM: Just say how amazing you are at NS. You'll definetly get some good laughs there! XD

BA-ZINGGGG!

<3
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: That Annoying Kid on March 21, 2005, 09:56:31 PM: Quote
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "is that a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts." Quite an oldie that one. lol, i don't know much else off the top of my head.. don't feel like thinking right now.
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^^

thats a winner, I can't believe I didn't recall that one
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: SwiftSpear on March 21, 2005, 11:18:56 PM: Why do girls in your class want you to tell them jokes if you have a reputation for not being funny?

Sounds like they are just being mean.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Nuketheplace on March 21, 2005, 11:25:25 PM: I don't really have a reputation for not being funny. Thats just what I think. Its that I have trouble telling one liners. I'm fairly good at telling dead pan jokes or making ironic comments, but I can't tell one liners for the life of me. It might be that they are being mean. In my perfect world I chose not to believe that. I think the reason they are doing it is because the class is fairly boring. We do something for about 30 minutes, but then we have about 20 minutes of down time. I'm fairly sure they are just bored.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: That Annoying Kid on March 21, 2005, 11:31:46 PM: if they are hot and single here's a novel thought: Instead of telling jokes, just spit mad game instead :blink:
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Nuketheplace on March 21, 2005, 11:34:01 PM: Yes they are hot and single, but wtf is a spit mad game?
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Cold-NiTe on March 22, 2005, 02:03:39 AM: Quote
This is my favorite joke on earth but lots of people don't get it. It's hit and miss I guess. The foum censors the last word, but it rhymes with "hit."

Quote
So this guy is walking along the beach and he hears a voice: DIG.
And he looks around and doesnt see anyone so he keeps walking. Then he hears it again: I SAID DIG.
So he gets to his knees and digs in the sand and pretty soon he finds a chest. He opens up the chest and inside is $1 million and a set of car keys. The voice says CAR.
So he looks up and sees a car. He gets in and starts the car and the voice says CASINO.
He drives to a casino and gets inside and the voice says ROULETTE.
He looks around and nobody else noticed the voice so he goes to the roulette table and the voice says 18 RED or some roulette thing.
So he puts all the money on 18 red and the dealer spins the wheel and says "19 black!"
And the voice goes ****.
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Total win.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: SwiftSpear on March 22, 2005, 03:07:36 AM: Quote
Yes they are hot and single, but wtf is a spit mad game?
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Hit on them and be really cool and playa playa. In otherwords, in stead of entertaining them, be patronizing!
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Black Mage on March 22, 2005, 09:27:22 AM: got geek (http://ugjr.blackmage.org/index.php/One_liners)?
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: GrayDuck on March 22, 2005, 10:20:08 AM: Quote
got geek (http://ugjr.blackmage.org/index.php/One_liners)?
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lol the best pickup line was the last one:
Quote
Hey... Ever seen "Silence of the Lambs"?
lol

ok and my boss's dumb joke (if he ever reads this he'll be proud of me)

Q:Why did the elephant paint his toe nails red?
A: So he could hide in a cherry tree!

Q: Does it work?
A: Have YOU ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

bum-dum-pum

And my personal favorit:

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger king forgot to wrap its whopper!
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Doobie Dan on March 22, 2005, 04:39:27 PM: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his laundry?

Bleeatch.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Malevolent on March 22, 2005, 05:33:44 PM: Quote
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his laundry?

Bleeatch.
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lol, funneh. :D
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Rath on March 22, 2005, 05:37:40 PM: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky XD XD
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Uranium - 235 on March 22, 2005, 06:02:20 PM: George Bush was taking a visit to the Queen when he asked her "How do you run such an organized government?"

The Queen smiled. "You just have to surround yourself with intelligent people."

George was confused. "Well how do you know if they're intelligent enough?"

"Why, just give them little tests and questions," she responded. "Here, I'll show you." She pressed a button on the intercom. "Please send in the Prime Minister."

A few minutes later, Tony Blair walked in. "Tony," the queen said, "your parents have a child that is not your sister, nor your brother. Who is it?"

The Prime Minister smiled. "I know! That's me!"

"Very Good!" said the Queen.

Later, back in the Oval Office, George called in the Vice President. "Dick, here's a question for you. Your parents have a child that is not your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"

Dick Cheny stood there for a while thinking. "I'll get back to you on this." So he asked all his advisors and staff. None of them could figure out the riddle. Finally, while in the bathroom, he recognized Colin Powell's shoes under the next stall. "Hey Colin! I have a question for you! Your parents have a child that is not your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"

"Why, that's me!" Colin Powell said.

Dick Cheny rushed back to the Oval Office. "George, I know the answer! It's Colin Powell!"

George stood up angrily. "No you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Niteowl on March 22, 2005, 06:04:11 PM: So these three old guys that live together are playing cards. The first one says "I'm off to take a bath" and off he goes.

An hour later, the second man says "Where did he go? I hope he isn't having trouble int he bath" and goes off to investigate".

Another hour later, the third man comments "Criminy, it's been a while, I better make sure they are ok."

So he walks up the stairs, and finds the second man looking befuddled, saying "Was I going upstairs, or downstairs? Upstairs, or downstairs?"

The third man rolls his eyes and moves on.

He makes it to the washroom to find the first man, in his bathrobe, one foot in the tub, one foot out blathering "Was I going in the bath? Or out?"

The third man can't believe this senility and exclaims "MAN ALIVE! Thank god I'm not as crazy as these two coots! Knock on wood!" and knocks on the door for good luck.

"Was that the front door? Or the back door?".

==========================

A panda walks into a bar, orders a steak, wolfs it down, brings out a shotgun and just starts shooting randomly, allt he patrons dive for cover. The panda then non-chalantly leaves the bar.

One of the patron looks at the bartender, who has not moved, and looks quite non-plussed " WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?!"

"Oh, that's a panda, you know, eats shoots, and leaves?"

PS yes, i got ALL the ladies with my rapier wit!
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Slink on March 22, 2005, 06:35:09 PM: WARNING: MORBID AS HECK!

Apparently you missed the 'Keep it clean'[/color]

sry, different definition of clean, i guess. oops.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Mr.Bill on March 22, 2005, 06:42:34 PM: -What does a farmer say when he lose's his tractor?

Where's my trator.

-Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

-Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was holding the dead moneky

- So a piece of string walks into a bar, goes to the bartender and ask's for a drink, bartender says sure, Later that night after a couple of rounds, the bartender calls in tabs. When he looks at the piece of string, the string replies that he has no money and can't pay for the drinks, so the bartender brings him out back and shows what he does to people who can't pay up, and advises the peice of string to never come back.

The next night a peice of string enters the bar, and ask for a drink and the bartender goes "Hey, you the same peice of string that came in here last night with no money?" and the string replies "No sir, Im afraid not."

(I love puns, car puns are the best, they can't be exausted. ha!"

- So the canadian army is having one of those training battles, and a soldier shows up with no guns or equipment, so he goes to the nearest office and says

"Sir, I don't have a weapon"

The officer looks at him, thinks for a second and says

"Stay here private"

The officer goes to a truck and pulls out a broom stick and hands it to the soldier while saying

"Here's your gun, whenever you want to shoot someone just say bangaty bang bang, and whenever you want to use the bayonet, say knifity knife knife"

So the soldier goes into the training battle, and totally owns everything he's unstoppable and takes everyone out. this goes on for a while until it's just him and another guy, so he looks at him and thinks easy shot, so he points his broom and says
"bangity bang bang"
but the other soldier keeps getting closer and dosn't slow down, so kind of confused, he shoots again
"bangity bang bang"
And still the other soldier is getting close, very close, the soldier is panicking so he tries to use his bayonet saying
"knifity knife knife"
Not a thing, then the other soldier gets right in front of him, and push's him down saying
"tankity tank tank"

Hat's off if you can remember all that
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Niteowl on March 23, 2005, 10:22:18 AM: YOU SAID THE STRING JOKE WRONG MR. NUB!!!

A string walks into a bar, and asks for a drink. The bartender looks sternly at the string and points to a sign "We don't serve STRINGS!". The string, somewhat kerfluffled, leaves the bar and, out of sight messes up his hair, and ties himself. He walks back in and again orders a drink. The bartender looks at him suspiciously "Heey, aren't you a string?"

"Nope, frayed knot."
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Dubbilex on March 23, 2005, 02:37:59 PM: Allright allright watch me now:

Q Why do cows have bells?
A Because their horns don't work!
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: sonic on March 23, 2005, 02:44:14 PM: What do you call 2 virgins fighting?

Battle of the titans.

(my dad told me that one)
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Manta on March 23, 2005, 03:18:58 PM: Niteowl, that's the punchline of the joke, but it doesn't work when you type it. When you type it as "frayed knot", it's not subtle at all. There's no pause before they laugh :(

It only works when you say it.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Mr.Bill on March 23, 2005, 08:58:12 PM: omg its possible for 2 jokes to havethe same punch line rofllol nubowl rofl
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: fatty on March 23, 2005, 09:33:34 PM: So these three old guys that live together are playing cards. Niteowl says "I'm off to take a bath" and off he goes.

An hour later, BobtheJanitor says "Where did he go? I hope he isn't having trouble int he bath" and goes off to investigate".

Another hour later, Rad4christ comments "Criminy, it's been a while, I better make sure they are ok."

So he walks up the stairs, and finds BobtheJanitor looking befuddled, saying "Was I going upstairs, or downstairs? Upstairs, or downstairs?"

Rad4christ rolls his eyes and moves on.

He makes it to the washroom to find the first man, in his bathrobe, one foot in the tub, one foot out blathering "Was I going in the bath? Or out?"

Rad4christ can't believe this senility and exclaims "MAN ALIVE! Thank god I'm not as crazy as these two coots! Knock on wood!" and knocks on the door for good luck.

"Was that the front door? Or the back door?".

I fixed your story.

owned, tbh.
:D
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Niteowl on March 23, 2005, 10:05:22 PM: Just for that, NO MEDPACKS FOR YOU!
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: 2_of_8 on March 24, 2005, 11:02:33 PM: Quote
Just for that, NO MEDPACKS FOR YOU!
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I don't see any change in your behavior :)

(get it? get it? That means he didn't drop medpacks before, either.)
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Settler on March 24, 2005, 11:27:12 PM: ouch >_<
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Dirty Harry Potter on March 25, 2005, 03:35:00 AM: here's a poor one from a Monty Python sketch.

What's brown and sounds like a bell ?

...

dung!
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Mac on March 26, 2005, 05:29:54 PM: **What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?

TIME TO FIX THE FENCE! XD

**This guy walks into a bar.. and says "ow".

**Why did the orange go to the Doctor's Office?

it wasn't PEELING well.

**Why did the coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: sonic on March 27, 2005, 03:35:36 AM: Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wallmart?

He heard that boys pants were 1/2 off.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Mac on March 27, 2005, 04:13:07 PM: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One is dangerous around small children, the other is used to hold groceries.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Malevolent on March 27, 2005, 07:40:11 PM: Quote
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One is dangerous around small children, the other is used to hold groceries.
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Seems like you could change it to, "What do Michael Jackson and a plastic bag have in common? They're both dangerous around small children."
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: DruBo on March 27, 2005, 09:14:48 PM: Quote
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

One is white, plastic, and dangerous for children to play with, and the other is used to hold groceries.
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Fixed.
Title: I need Jokes
Post by: Mac on March 27, 2005, 10:34:51 PM: heh, Thanks DruBo. Couldn't quite remember how that went.